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How to Say No (And Make It Stick)
Some tips on how to get through the holidays while maintaining your sanity
by Maxine Rock
December 1, 2005
I
have a pesky relative who takes pride in declaring she won't take no for an answer. No
matter what excuse I offered, she would hound me until I caved in, got mad or ran away. Finally,
out of desperation, I learned how to say no. Now, I realize that appropriate refusal is an
essential life-management tool, especially for women.
Why is it
so hard to turn down a favor, decline to perform a task or even rebuff a demand you know is
extreme? Because you feel guilty. Even the most liberated of us have been taught that good girls
always say yes, cheerfully accepting responsibility even when our guts are screaming, "I don't want
to!" Guilt makes it easy for a boss to bury us in overtime, for neighbors to bug us into taking
their turn at carpools and for relatives to pressure us into lending money. Your remorse is a gift
to the manipulative people of the world. With it, they can exert control and bend you to their
will.
If you cave in - as I once did - you'll spend a lot of time agreeing to do unwanted chores,
then slogging through them with a reluctant chip on your shoulder. Ditching guilt frees you to
reject in appropriate demands and reclaim hours that are better spent on your family, yourself or
worthwhile endeavors.
In an example from my own experience, my pesky relative would beg me to visit, claiming we
never saw one another and if I didn't board a plane and rush to her side it proved my lack of love.
Neither assertion was true, but reality seldom disturbs such pushy people. They imply it's your
duty to please them, and saying no is selfish. So I'd give up a precious weekend, often spent it
being bored while my relative puttered around the house instead of talking to me, and usually wound
up wanting to kick myself for being such a pushover! Neither my relative nor I got much out of
these visits ... except that she proved her power to adjust my travel schedule. At last I decided
that letting myself be used was a bad habit. I broke it by using my own set of rules to say no,
firmly but pleasantly, and make it stick. Here they are:
Answer slowly.
When a request is made, take time to ask yourself, "Is this necessary? Is it appropriate? Is
it something I'd enjoy?" A sick neighbor who asks for a ride to the hospital is making an
appropriate request. It's right that you take her and you'll enjoy knowing you did a good deed. But
a neighbor who wants you to buy Girl Scout cookies you won't eat can reasonably be refused.
You don't have to say anything but no.
Adding explanations or excuses invites manipulators to criticize your choice. It's your
right to refuse without explaining why.
It's okay to say no simply because you don't feel like saying yes! You don't even have to
know why. Trust your instincts.
If you say no, and the other person asks, "Why not?" be aware this isn't really a question.
"Why not?" is a challenge. Ignore it.
Saying no can be done gently, with a smile.
If the other person is too persistent, repeat no more firmly (perhaps without the smile this
time) and change the subject or walk away.
Make it stick by refusing to engage in a discussion about your choices.
Tell yourself, "Case closed," and repeat it to others, if necessary. Stand firm!
These steps worked for me. They can for you, too. Even if you still feel a little guilty
saying no, do it anyway. The guilt will dwindle overtime, and be replaced with the warm glow of
self-respect. Remember that saying no is kinder than making promises you don't want to keep, more
honest than thinking up lame excuses and braver than complying, then complaining. Guilt - and pesky
relatives - won't be a problem any more.
