The Wit And Wisdom Of A Newly Minted 50-Year-Old

by Kathy Roberts

September 1, 2005

I just turned 50. If you saw me, you'd think I was just another white, middle-class woman who grew up in a nice middle-class environment.

To the contrary.

By the time I was 16 years old, I had buried two parents (Dad succumbed to leukemia in 1963; Mom died of a brain tumor in 1971), and my brothers and I were considered indigent (and for me, insolent) children. Neither parent had beyond a high school education; there was no life insurance, no meaningful proceeds from the sale of our house because everything had to go through Probate Court. We were latchkey kids before the term existed, and we ran wild through our neighborhood until our mother got home from work every day.

Flash forward 35 years, and the three of us are just regular Joes with families, mortgages and gas-hog vehicles. My middle brother is the fire chief for the City of Ladue, a tony St. Louis suburb; my youngest brother, a chemical engineer, and I've made a decent living for more than 25 years as a writer and editor.

So, how come we beat the odds? We went into debt and got college educations. And we simply made more right decisions than wrong decisions. All three of us had an innate sense of right and wrong, and shame - a term and emotion children aren't allowed to feel anymore - and we were accountable - in a weird way - to so many people (gag me, but it took a village) who knew us.

Along the way I made a lot of dunderhead mistakes. But after five decades of living, working with and observing all manner of humankind, I've developed a sort of operational philosophy. I don't espouse it for anyone else, but since this page is mine, you get to read it.

Yourself
1. Stop being a martyr. Sooo boring.
2. Don't take yourself or what you do so seriously - unless you're saving lives - all of us are replaceable.
3. Put your health house in order. Because here's the alternative: lots of expensive meds to keep you from having a heart attack or stroke, or worse, to control a chronic disease such as diabetes. The retail price of a 30-day, 10 mg prescription of Lipitor costs $82. Drug co-pays are expected to rise as high as $100 per prescription. Neglecting your health could literally bankrupt your future.
4. Get yourself out of debt, no matter what. If you owe a bunch of money to retail creditors, you're in prison. No debt means absolute freedom to do what you really want to do, not what you must do to pay the bills.
5. Learn the difference between needs and wants. Recognize that lots of people will always have more than you. Envy is so ugly, especially on women. And never forget that there are millions who have next to nothing.
6. If you have kids, don't live with anyone else unless it's your spouse. It's a lousy example. You're putting your kids second to your own desires, and you're telling them it's okay to have sex whenever they want. Worse, your kids are subject to abuse.
7. Be nice to your co-workers. You could be working for them someday.

Spouses
1. A lot of marriages end because of financial issues. Here's what I did to avoid financial blow-ups: Set a budget (fixed expenses such as mortgage, car payments should be accounted for, etc.). Starting with that amount, I enter all my credit card expenditures once a week into an Excel spread sheet, and when I hit budget, I quit spending until the credit card closes. Then I start over. We pay our credit card debt in full every month, since we've essentially put the money aside to do so. I'll still have to work the rest of my life, but we've gotten rid of the bombs.
2. If your spouse asks you to get cosmetic surgery of any kind to essentially please him, tell him you need to lose 200 pounds of ugly fat first. Then get your affairs in order and call a lawyer.

Kids
1.Recognize that your kids may not be geniuses, but then, neither were you, so stop beating up their teachers.
2.There is no reason to believe that your child won't be a success if she didn't get into the "right" school. Most of corporate America did not come out of the Ivy League.
3.Buying a BMW for your kid because it's "safe," is a bunch of baloney. You're buying it because you're living your life through your kid. Get her or him a 10-year-old Buick with 25,000 miles on it. You don't hear about many deadly accidents in old lady cars.
4.You don't have an obligation to go into debt for a wedding or even college. You do have an obligation to make sure you're not a financial burden on your kids.
5.There is a direct correlation between how involved you are with kids now and how much time they'll have for you when you get old.
6.Hug your kids (young or old) every day, tell them that you love them and you're happy to be their mother. Watch their faces light up.