Side By Side At Work

Can married couples really work together? Successfully? Here's a look at three couples who wouldn't have it any other way, and some tips on how to pave the way for your own successful partnership.

by H.M. Cauley

September 1, 2005

B eth and Thomas Daniel share their morning commute from Atlanta's eastside to Midtown, talking about their new baby, griping about traffic and savoring some personal time.

But when they pull into the parking lot at North Avenue Presbyterian, each takes on the separate persona of a minister at the church where both are on the staff.

"You pick up your briefcase and walk into your office," says Beth Daniel. "We may get together for lunch and be married for an hour, but then it's back to work. Not everyone can do that, but for us, it's just lovely."

Most wedding vows don't mention anything about working together. And for many couples, the thought of being part of their spouse's office is laughable, if not impossible. But for a few strong and determined twosomes, being in business together is a natural extension of their personal lives. They've perfected a tightrope balance between spouse and coworker that is rewarding on both levels of the relationship.

But they also caution that it's not possible to achieve that balance without already having a strong marriage.

"Working with my wife is an extension of our marriage," says Mark Wilson, CEO of Ryla Telemarketing Services in Kennesaw. Shelly, his wife of 18 years, handles the operational side of the 4-year-old firm. "We're partners and friends; we trust each other, and we think the other person is competent and smart. There are very few situations where, as a CEO, you know there's someone there who fully backs you up, but can also give you a different perspective on handling problems. I can have ultimate trust in Shelly."

Having two children, ages 11 and 15, has given the Wilsons plenty of practice at putting on a united front.

"In certain situations, his becomes the heavier hand, or vice versa, depending on the situation," says Shelly Wilson. "But we do a good job of talking beforehand, so when we present ourselves, it's a united front."

"There's none of this, ''I'll go to this one for an answer and then go to the other if I don't like it,'' agrees her husband.

A Separate Peace
For the Daniels, who have been married almost seven years, working together involves stressing their individuality, not their connectedness.

"One of things we had to do first off was establishing that Beth is not my secretary, and I'm not her's," says Thomas Daniel, who became the church's associate pastor for neighborhood outreach a year before his wife came on board to handle adult discipleship. "If someone wants to send a message to Beth, they can't tell me, 'Oh, when you see her tonight can you tell her...' and vice versa."

Having very different roles at the church has helped the couple set those defining boundaries.

"Thomas is more about outreach and I'm more into taking care of the people who are here," says Beth Daniel. "And we're very different people. He's more extroverted; I'm more reserved. We complement rather than compete. It would be disastrous if I wanted to preach every Sunday and was vying for the same opportunities he was."

Specifically defined roles let Michel and Tonya Arnette work as a couple. The owners of Haven and Mix restaurants in Brookhaven met 17 years ago when both were employees with the Buckhead Life Restaurant Group. They have been married for 13 years, have an 11-year-old son and have been running their own operation for two years.

"In our business, you almost can't separate your business life from your personal life," says Michel Arnette. "Food is a way of living. But it's always been simple for us because we adore each other and have great admiration and respect for each other. I'm a dreamer and she's a wonderful buffer who brings me back to reality."

Tonya Arnette has administrative responsibilities as well as greeting guests. But when it comes to the tough decisions, she lets her husband take the lead.

"Michel is the one in charge," she says. "He has a great deal of knowledge and experience and I've always felt that while I'm a big part of the business, my job is more of a support role. He is the natural-born leader; I'm more of worker bee; and we're both comfortable in those roles. We've never butted heads over who's in charge."

Leave It At The Office
Working couples all agree that the one issue apt to cause the most head-butting is taking work home.

"There are times when you've got to say, 'We're not talking about the restaurant or wondering what's happening there now,'" says Michel Arnette. "We try to take little holidays to get away. And we try not to let work consume and overwhelm us. The most important thing is the life we build together."

Being a minister often means being called on to handle problems well after hours.

"If a member calls us, of course we talk to them," says Beth Daniel. "There are elements to our jobs that get us involved in things outside the office. But it's easy to talk about work all the time and not relate to anything else. We often have to say, 'Okay, North Avenue speak is now over!' and move on. Especially since we've had a child, we find that it's easier to keep church-related things to office hours.

"We also consider Fridays our sacred, family day and we've arranged our days off so we get Friday and Saturday off together."

Tonya Arnette finds working and living with her spouse benefits from doing a few things on her own.

"We have certain days when we go do our own things," she says. "I love to cycle, do pilates and shop. It's a good way to remain an individual and to have a little separation. It helps not to be together 24/7!"

So far, the Daniels say they're not overwhelmed by the togetherness.

"There are no realms that Beth is not included in my life. I've never felt threatened. In fact, I love it," says Thomas.

How To Work Together

1 Take an honest inventory. Evaluate and examine the strength of the marriage at home before you consider working together. Couples who have trouble communicating at home will have the same problems magnified at work. "And you're not relating in the workplace the way you relate at home," says Beth Daniel. "So take off the rose-colored glasses and see if you're really compatible."

2 Agree to disagree. "We do have things we disagree on but we don't let it affect our personal relationship," says Tonya Arnette. At some point, any couple and any coworkers are going to find themselves at odds. "But successful marriages understand the other's point of view and come to a peaceful resolution, even when you're not seeing eye-to-eye," says Mark Wilson. "I can give my opinion in a direct, strong way and so can she. We can compromise because there's an interest in solving the problem more than in winning the argument."

3 Have clearly defined work roles. And make sure your colleagues understand them. Avoid being used as a messenger service for your spouse.

4 Set boundaries on what goes home. Most spouses who work together say it's almost impossible not to continue work conversations at home. But limiting the time or the days when work can be discussed at the dinner table - or even in the house - helps define the boundaries of professional and personal life.

5 Make time for yourself. Being together at work and at home can put stress on the relationship. Schedule time to do things you enjoy as an individual as well.